Infertility Sucks - Really, Really Sucks!
If you don't want to read my personal sob story, please go ahead and ignore this post!
About 8 years ago my cousin was diagnosed with PCOS. I had never heard of it but one of the symptoms was being irregular. She only found this out because she was trying to conceive without much luck and went to specialists to learn why. After all the women in the Lundell family had a conversation about this, I thought I should probably go see a specialist also to see if I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Sure enough, after the visit with the MD I was diagnosed with it also. The problem with PCOS is that you have small cysts all over your ovaries (they look like swiss cheese) and your ovaries don't want to you to ovulate, thus making it difficult to get pregnant. Even after you get pregnant your miscarriage rate is very high, much higher than someone without it in the first 12 weeks.
After about 4 years of trying to conceive on our own and being unsuccessful I went to see one of the best infertility physicians...well the best that my insurance policy would pay for anyways! He checked me out and was the first physician that was actually very positive we would finally get pregnant, with a little help. The help being Chlomid. Chlomid is an infertility drug that makes your body ovulate, but the side effect is that you might ovulate more than one egg thus having twins or triplets. I started my first dose March 2009. The first month wasn't so bad until I didn't get pregnant. Every month after that I became 'that' woman that I swore I would never become. I was mental. I cried about not being able to become a mom, I cried that I was the reason Jason wouldn't become a dad....I cried about everything. After three months of this, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to become the mental infertile woman.
In the Fall of 2009 I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to have a baby....it just wasn't going to happen to me. Unbeknownst to me, Jason had the same conclusion about this time too. So, instead of being stressed about getting pregnant or not getting pregnant we decided just to enjoy life....just the two of us.
Now, don't think it was that easy for me to accept that I would never become a mommy. Ever since I was little I knew I wanted two things for certain, to get married and have babies - lots and lots of babies. When I was little I would even put a pillow under my shirt and pretend I was pregnant. I loved playing with dolls. Laura and Carolyn (the neighbors) and I would get our dolls out, say who our husband was going to be, and play mommy. I was devastated that I wouldn't become a mom and much more devastated that Jason wouldn't become a daddy all because of me.
Then low and behold, out of the complete blue we find out we're pregnant! I was so excited and so nervous at the same time. As I had mentioned above, my miscarriage rate is extremely high so every day I was on pins and needles wondering if I would wake up to find I had miscarried or if the baby was still happily inside of me. Then I was nervous that the baby was in my fallopian tube and not my uterus, or worse yet, it wasn't even alive! I know, here came the psycho, mental woman again! It was pretty bad when we went in for our first ultrasound around 5 weeks and they said to come back to 'make sure the baby was alive' the doctors direct quote, because it was too early to see the heartbeat.
I know that a lot of women deal with infertility and it sucks - it really, really sucks. I wish that no woman ever had to go through infertility, and we could all just have as many babies as we wanted!
Lindsay
About 8 years ago my cousin was diagnosed with PCOS. I had never heard of it but one of the symptoms was being irregular. She only found this out because she was trying to conceive without much luck and went to specialists to learn why. After all the women in the Lundell family had a conversation about this, I thought I should probably go see a specialist also to see if I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). Sure enough, after the visit with the MD I was diagnosed with it also. The problem with PCOS is that you have small cysts all over your ovaries (they look like swiss cheese) and your ovaries don't want to you to ovulate, thus making it difficult to get pregnant. Even after you get pregnant your miscarriage rate is very high, much higher than someone without it in the first 12 weeks.
After about 4 years of trying to conceive on our own and being unsuccessful I went to see one of the best infertility physicians...well the best that my insurance policy would pay for anyways! He checked me out and was the first physician that was actually very positive we would finally get pregnant, with a little help. The help being Chlomid. Chlomid is an infertility drug that makes your body ovulate, but the side effect is that you might ovulate more than one egg thus having twins or triplets. I started my first dose March 2009. The first month wasn't so bad until I didn't get pregnant. Every month after that I became 'that' woman that I swore I would never become. I was mental. I cried about not being able to become a mom, I cried that I was the reason Jason wouldn't become a dad....I cried about everything. After three months of this, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to become the mental infertile woman.
In the Fall of 2009 I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to have a baby....it just wasn't going to happen to me. Unbeknownst to me, Jason had the same conclusion about this time too. So, instead of being stressed about getting pregnant or not getting pregnant we decided just to enjoy life....just the two of us.
Now, don't think it was that easy for me to accept that I would never become a mommy. Ever since I was little I knew I wanted two things for certain, to get married and have babies - lots and lots of babies. When I was little I would even put a pillow under my shirt and pretend I was pregnant. I loved playing with dolls. Laura and Carolyn (the neighbors) and I would get our dolls out, say who our husband was going to be, and play mommy. I was devastated that I wouldn't become a mom and much more devastated that Jason wouldn't become a daddy all because of me.
Then low and behold, out of the complete blue we find out we're pregnant! I was so excited and so nervous at the same time. As I had mentioned above, my miscarriage rate is extremely high so every day I was on pins and needles wondering if I would wake up to find I had miscarried or if the baby was still happily inside of me. Then I was nervous that the baby was in my fallopian tube and not my uterus, or worse yet, it wasn't even alive! I know, here came the psycho, mental woman again! It was pretty bad when we went in for our first ultrasound around 5 weeks and they said to come back to 'make sure the baby was alive' the doctors direct quote, because it was too early to see the heartbeat.
I know that a lot of women deal with infertility and it sucks - it really, really sucks. I wish that no woman ever had to go through infertility, and we could all just have as many babies as we wanted!
Lindsay
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